3 Babies & a Pitbull, in other words, Merry Xmas
by TIQ
Summary: Everyone apart from our lovable Yamis ( Bakura, Yami, Marik & Kathy ) is sick with flu. Can they cope with xmas shopping without driving each other insane? RR plz
1. This Can't be happening

Disclaimer: I don't own YGO or Nickleback

A/N: ok! First shot of the fic, if you like it, please let me know by reviewing me ^^

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"What!?? You're Ill??" I screamed at my Hikari. Why do Mortals get ill? What's flu? Aw heck who cares, everyone in the city's got this evil thing called 'The Flu'.

"You'll have to go Christmas shopping with the others Kathy *cough* *Hack* *wheeze* oh I hope Ryou's ok *sniffles*"

Oh boo-hoo. She's worrying over a wet paper bag known as Ryou. *tuts* I swear, that boy is not normal! I mean, he should have been born in the Tudor times when 'ole shakey was writing that crap they called plays. He would have fitted in just nicely. He looks like a girl anyway *sniggers* oh wait….did she say…others?

"Others? What others??" I hollered, making her creep further down into her bed sheet.

"They'll be here any minute Kathy. I thought you would've of liked you're friends to go with you"

You've GOT to be kidding me! I never knew I had friends outside the PC! (Yes I do know what technology is! Unlike those old cronies –turned-17yr olds called Dopey [Marik] , Grumpy [Bakura] & Sleezy [ Yami ] . They can't even operate a wind-up clock)

The door bell rang as I got my purse and car keys. Then, the most** unthinkable **happened as I opened the door.

"Bloody hell, I was hoping you were sick! Or even better – dead" Marik remarked before I came back with my own.

"Aw what a shame, maybe next time you should order a better M.Rod from a quality catalogue like, oh I dunno, Tescos?" 

I grinned as he began to curse and swear. Then, the other two appeared. Oh joy.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the great Sanura, where's your Hikari? Sick I presume?" Yami mocked me by doing one of his exaggerated bows.

"Shut up you old fart before I ruin your manhood, not that you had one to begin with" I snapped at him and jumped into my black sports car.

Why must they torture me with their incompetence? Like last week in school in DT, we had to dissect a dead frog. Instead, Bakura decided to skin and dissect the school's pet hamster and give it to me as an early xmas present. Then Marik took it off of me and ate it before I had a chance to bring up my lunch!

 Yami on the other hand, was too busy sending chairs to the shadow realm because he wanted to decorate the place and make it more 'hospitable' 

"Didn't that simpleton Ryou tell Katy anything about us joining you?" Bakura asked, slicking his hair back and adjusting his jeans to make himself comfortable. Note to self: stop staring at Bakura's Jeans…if you like them that much, buy your own!

"W-What??? You? Yami? And Klutzoid over there? Joining ME???" I exclaimed, still looking at Bakura's Jeans, well where that huge bump was anyway…..what?? I wanted to know what it was! So I asked. Big Mistake.

"Sanura's looking at the Thief's stiffy!! HAHAHAAAA!!!" Marik & Yami roared with laughter until Bakura set his man-eater bug on them.

*sighs* Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve will never be the same….then again….it could be worse, Yami could be driving my car…..

~*Ten minutes later *~

" YAMI YOU'RE DRIVING IN THE WRONG LANE!!! WATCH FOR THAT OLD –  OH MY RA! YOU KILLED AN OLD GRANNY!!!"

I frantically tried to grab the steering wheel. The only problem is that when you're strapped into the back, it's kinda hard to do anything. I wish Bakura would leave me alone, he keeps talking about how strong and devious he is *blushing*. I have no idea why I done that *hits her head on the car seat* there, much better.

Maybe I should have put on the bumper of my car: _If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!_

That should warn mortals that Yami is driving….and Marik's driving up the wall with his impression of Nickleback's 'Invisible Man'. Maybe he should make like the lyrics and disappear!

For the sake of Ra, and Christmas, LET ME LIVE!!!!

A/N:

Kathy: are you TRYING to torture me! Leaving me with those bozos 

Katy: *sighs and coughs* well it might turn out for the better…you need to spend more time with them.

Kathy: *screams*

Katy: ^^;; R+R plz


	2. Lifts, Gifts and Sake

Disclaimers: ummmmm what was it again? *reads the Q – Card* oh right! I don't own YGO

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Ok, so we got to the mall….alive. So far we have ran over 300 postmen, (Marik has some sort of grudge against them, maybe it's because he can't write) 15 cats (In which Yami was shitting himself and praying to Ra to spare him) and 3 of my ex-boyfriends (Bakura was steering the car with the power of his ring)

"Right, before we so much as STEP out of **my** car, let's get one thing straight!" I began, only to find out that I was talking to myself…..they had all ran off to stare at the new contraption with excited eyes - The lift. My reasons to kill them are ever growing…unlike my patience. *imagines pushing them into the lift, cutting the cable & cackling as the three plummet to their doom*

"Wonder how it works….." Yami asked, only to have passer-bys looking at him funny and calling him 'backwards'. At least they got THAT part right!

Then, the lift doors opened. This doesn't look good….

"OH MY RA! IT'S EATING POOR, DEFENCELESS CIVILIANS!!" Yami screamed, running around like a headless chicken. 

"GO! MY BEAUTIFUL WING DRAGON OF RA!! DESTROY THAT MONSTER!!" Marik exclaimed. I stood there with my hand covering my head with embarrassment as both the lift, and the people, were burnt to a crisp.

At least Bakura was happy; he got more souls to add to his mini-collection.

"YAMI!!! MARIK!!! GET YOUR ARSES HERE **NOW!!!" I shouted, almost breaking the tile flooring with my foot. Owwwwwwwwwwwwww.**

They scampered towards me like deranged lambs. Ewwwwwwwww….where's a tranquiliser gun when you need one?

I asked Yami if I could get started on his Christmas list first, which made Bakura act odd – well to be more pacific, he sulked like a baby with a dirty nappy.

Then again, I wish I never looked at the list:-

1) Yugi – Miracle grow

2) Joey – A Muzzle

3) Tristan – Wall flower seeds

4) Mai – Yami Socks

5) Anzu – A ticket for 2 at the Shadow Realm theatre (huh???)

6) Seto – A Book called 'How to get a life' by Bi.Wan

7)  Mokuba – A Robot Dog

8) Serenity – Bug repellent ( not a bad choice *thinks about Duke and Tristan* )

9) Bakura –  Lord of the Rings trilogy video

10) Ryou – A leaflet saying 'So you've found the girl of your dreams….how to make her yours' (Ever heard of ASKING her out??? and not stand outside her bedroom window 1 am in the morning!!!)

11) Malik – E.N.T tokens ( About time, the guy got ill from standing on his yacht trying to be a fog horn, not that he need to put any effort in to it *sniggers* )

12) Marik – 13 Iron Straight  Jackets

13) Katy – A rose evening dress (whatever for???)

14) Kathy – 

WHAT??? Nothing? Pour Moi? That's it! He's defiantly on my shit list….

Now where was I? Oh yeah, going around the mall getting Yami's stuff with him! Right, uh- where have they gone now??? *feels a case of a migraine coming along*

I can understand they hate shopping but this is ridiculous!! If my guess is correct, they'll be………..

*BOOOOM!!!!*

Blowing up the mall……I yelled at them, almost busting my lungs.

 "how the hell did you managed to do that you IDIOTS!!!????"

I see, they just 'happened' to put car batteries in every Comet's microwave, thinking it was soup…..*sighs* at least I got Yami's gifts in time. (Well, half of it got scorched but no matter, they're still operational)

"Who wants to go to the pub?" Bakura piped up, in which everyone (including me) put their hand up. So we went to The Dark Horse Inn.

~*After 30 mins Driving*~

My car is TRASHED!!! *starts to sob* now I'll have to walk _all the way home! Even worse, I might have to stay in this side of the smutty city…WITH THEM??? *screams* they **are sluts!! Yami, Bakura & Marik thought it would be brilliant to do the full Monty – In an olds people's home! Some of the old biddies got so excited that they just keeled over and died! Oh Ra, whatever did I do to deserve this?**_

Oh yeah...*giggles* *hic* oh shit….da sakes taking effect….*hic*

A/N 

Katy: oh my, she's drunk…..not a good sign if you ask me *cough* *wheeze*

Ryou: *Hacks* *cough* no, and so are the others…..

Katy: ****OO****!! *faints*

Ryou: n.n *sneezes* R + R plz

Now we'll have to go to the other side of the city


	3. YAMI DON'T LOOK AT THE LIGHT!

*growling* Ok, so I'm walking around because a certain PHARAOH trashed it, with three incompetent stooges for yamis, and we're wanted by the FBI (Marik's fault, he wanted to see if he could enter the circus to be one of those fire-breathers – which landed in 1/4 of the city being burnt to cinders)….can anything get worse???

"BUNNIES!!! FLUFFY-WUFFY BUNNIES!!" I heard Yami cheer like…like one of those prattish mortals that shout & holler at a bunch of pathetic losers during a game …. Did he say…BUNNIES??? OO!!

I screamed and ran around in circles for 10 minutes before strangling the nearest person next to me – Bakura.

"IT'S GONNA EAT ME!!!" I shrieked at the top of my lungs, I never knew Christmas shopping could be so life threatening!

Suddenly, Bakura dived into a phone box and came out as superman! Oh the humanity….

"I'LL SAVE YOU!!" he boomed (more like squeaked but you didn't hear it from me ok?) and kicked Yami into the flea market which was only a few hundred yards away.

"Smooth move Clark Kent" I sneered, "maybe next time, you can introduce your boot to the RABBIT! *sighs* c'mon, what's next on the xmas shopping list?"

Marik piped up.

"We need to sort the things we need on MY list! **I'm youngest and ****I say--"**

"Shut up illiterate" I spat. I was in no mood to deal with a boy who had a mentality of a deranged carrot.

"JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T READ!! YOU'RE JUST A STUCK UP COW WHO CAN'T GET LAID TO SAVED HER LIFE!!"  

That does it….NO ONE INSULTS SANURA & LIVES TO SEE PAINT DRY!!

"Let me tell you something **boy, if I wanted to get laid, I would have to be out of my bloody mind! Because my dear little **simpleton**, I DON'T RING UP THE MALE ESCORT SERVICES BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ANSWER IT!!!"**

I snatched Marik's list and nearly burned a hole through it because I was so steaming mad.

1) Yugi – sleeping tablets that look like candy

2) Joey – a leash

3) Tristan – a coffin

4) Mai – hour-glass to remind her what happened last time

5) Anzu – A Time Bomb that's 'friendship activated'

6) Seto – Man-eating fleas, disguised inside the coat

7) Mokuba – a virtual reality game

8) Serenity – Life improvement video

9) Bakura – A fake map that leads him to the swirling abyss of Nosgoth

10) Ryou – Furry Handcuffs (Can I be sick now? On behalf of my Hikari)

11) Malik – Job coupon to work in a lighthouse (need I say more?)

12) Yami – Gun Powder (his intelligence ceases to amaze me…)

13) Katy – A silver bracelet (this is so unfair…she gets all the nice stuff)

14) Kathy – 

Dead man walking on green line! Yes, I can picture it now….

~*thought*~

Marik: *in the electric chair* what did I do? 

Kathy: *cackles* you forgot to buy me a prezzie!!! BWAHAHAHAAA!!

Yami: *taps Kathy on the shoulder* what about me? I didn't get you anything…

Marik: ¬¬ twat

Kathy: ^-^ thanks for telling me porcupine! *shoves Yami in a pit of molten lava* HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

~*end thought*~

heh heh heh…

"Ummm Sanura?" Bakura called, *growls again* I HATE being called that!!

"Yes?? It had better be a good dam reason for you to call my name like that 'cause I swear I'll –"

He handed me the mobile phone….it was my Hikari. 

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii……….Katy! heh, how's that ...thing you got?" I answered sweetly thought my clenched teeth.

She sniffled & whined. 

"*hack* *cough* its ok, Ryou's over here, said that he was bored *sneezes* what about you?"

I rolled my eyes as I saw the male Yamis all chibied-eyed at the next contraption….a lamp post with light decorations all over the place.

"Fine, just fine Katy, we're halfway though Marik's list now, they're quite a lovely bunch….couldn't cope without them"

To be honest, I couldn't cope WITH them as they set the whole high street alight. How do they DO that?? All Bakura did was pour the petrol over Yami and wrapped him up in the lights…..

Ryou took over the phone. Whoop-de-do, little-bo-peep wants to talk to me 'privately'. 

"Ok pansy-man, why would a meer mortal such as yourself, ask me, what my dumb-ass Hikari likes – xmas wise….you weren't really bored at your place were you??" I grinned and taunted him with series of name calling, embarrassing him and my personal favourite – threatening him.

That soon made him put the phone down *smirks and laughs evilly*

"I GOT THE GIFTS!" Yami yelled, covered in flames

"I GOT THE RUM!!" Bakura guffawed, covered in bottle tops.

"I GOT THE PANTIES IN CONTESSAS IN THE HALF-PRICE SALES!"  Marik insanely laughed, covered in underwear and used a thong as his 'lucky hat'……

I hotwired a red GTX sports car and screamed at them to get in. 

I told them that this was the last-time I would go shopping with them – **ever**.

The three looked at each other and cried like spoiled, wretched babies as I tried desperately to shake off the FBI, CIA and MIB.

2 more lists to go, Bakura's and then…..MINE!!!

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Katy: ¬¬ you live up to your nickname…pitball

Kathy: *smiles proudly* why thank-you Miss Prissy-Pants

Katy: v_vU R+R plz AHHHHHHHH-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!


	4. Last chapter! and the bullets are flying...

Disclaimers: - Nope not even a cent, so don't say I own YGO when I can't even own the world…..

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Ok, I've been driving for……I don't know but Xmas eve is nearly over and I'm thankful for it! Have you seen what those rabid Guinea pigs do??? *looks around* they hand out home insurances! Evil!!! Maybe I should pick one up…..

"C'mon Sanura! We've got my list to do!!! BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"

Somebody SHOOT me!!! *a bullet just misses her* NOT LITERALITY MARIK!!! Where did he get that from? Even better, how did he manage to fire that thing???

We went to the outer edges of the city where it meets small Ville and Springfield – Marik & Yami INSISTED that we go there to do Q-Tips's shopping.

"ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu what's this???" Yami pointed to the most pathetic object in my entire afterlife.

"It's a rock Yami, you use a rock to throw at people and smashable china"

"Really!!! I wanna have a go throwing this rock at statues that pigeons shite on day in day out!"

I Remarked back that he should throw it at Bakura, he has white hair right? So go figure!  

*cackles* ahhh the blissful noise of an Ambulance and a police Car….I sure wish they'd pick those dopey twats up….. 

On with the list!

1) Yugi – A fake M.Puzzle

2) Joey – A poodle suit

3) Tristan – a ticket to get a hair cut from Nicky Clark

4) Mai – Wigs (He actually believes she wears them -_-;; )

5) Anzu – A free trip to the carvery (emphasis on the word 'carve')

6) Seto – Two tickets to see a pantomime called: 'who stole me BEWD?? (It was Bakura! I swear!)

7) Mokuba – Fangirls who would KILL to have hair like his

8) Serenity – Glasses (O.o? ohhhhh *cracks up laughing* the two wieners…..)

9) Ryou – A list of things to do or else Bakura will show EVERYONE at school what he was doing last night outside the Summer's house…(wait, that Katy's and my house!!! *screams* )

10) Marik – A psychology book

11) Malik – a Motorbike coupon

12) Yami – Nothing apart from a bumper sticker that says 'The thief stole my Christmas….and my life'

13) Katy – photos of Ryou naked in the shower (O_O!! I'm scarred for life…..)

14) Kathy – 

*cries* I thought he loved me!!!! *has a tantrum* I WANT A PRESENT TO Y'KNOW!! *sniffles* that does it! I'm gonna find the nearest Xmas tree, shove wires up their asses and use them to decorate it! hmmm oh wait, they might enjoy that *shrugs* I guess putting them into a cage of rabid Barney dolls should do the trick.

"AHHHHH the Pharaoh's acting GAY!!!" I heard Bakura screaming the top of his lungs out whilst holding onto the lamp post for dear L- I mean after life. *gets confused* 

"Bakura, just because he's happy, doesn't make him Gay-Gay, but Happy-Gay" I spat whilst putting the rest of the contents in the bag.

"Then please explain why he's wearing a pink-tutu, a leather shirt saying 'Be gay with me – now!' and has a thing for leather!" He complained like a sick politician ready to be grilled by the opposition.

"You're just being stereotypical and a wussy so PLEASE, stop humping the lamp post before you fry your balls off & singe your baby dick to a size of….wait, it's already microscopic….." I yell out *sneezes* what the?

"HAHAHAHAA!!! Sanura's got the flu!!!" Marik nanced around as if someone stuffed piranhas down his pants.

"It's nod fuddy….ahCHOO!!! *sniffles* it's your entire fault! All of you! Bloody setting the farms alight singing 'I feel like chicken tonight' and seeing who can catapult the most cats over an electric fence!"

I can't remember the rest, I think I blacked out.

~*~Xmas Day~*~

ughhhhhhhh where the heck am I? Have I've been sent to the great hairdressers in the sky? Or have I've dammed to hell?

"Merry Xmas Kathy!" My Hikari chirped all sing-song like.

I've been worse than dammed, I've been spared!! And why is everyone around the Christmas tree like those creepy, um….Garden Gnomes! That's the word! Those midgets that sit around the pond….waiting….for you to fall in….

"Merry Christmas Sanura!" The male yamis chirped and what's this?? PREZZIES!!!! YAY!! ^_________________________^ Oh happy day!

I dashed to the tree and found presents…with my name on them! I'm so happy I could kill someone! Let's see, what did I get….

From:-

1) Yugi – Anger management coupons…

2) Joey – A hair brush (*face faults*)

3) Tristan – CD's

4) Mai – A trip to a fancy hairdressers to get my hair done (YAY!)

5) Anzu – A friendship bracelet (ok………….) 

6) Seto – A box of Duelling cards

7) Mokuba – A signed t-shirt (why you li'l…)

8) Serenity – A Baby Pink dress (um, thanks but I don't do pink…)

9) Ryou – Bakura's Diary ( hehhehehehehehe….that'll be fun to read…)

10) Marik – A pack of colouring pencils (errrr, are you sure they aren't for him?) 

11) Malik – a shirt saying 'If I don't get my way, EVERYBODY suffers!'

12) Yami – Access to his bedchambers (ACK! Ewwwwwwww what a perv!)

13) Katy – A photo frame of me and her running away from Scotland yard…..(who the hell took that picture??)

I guess it wasn't such a bad Xmas after all *spots Bakura raiding her bedroom and sniffing her panties*

"BAKURAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!"

The End

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A/N: YAY! Finished! Now to do my Valentine funny-fic you've been a brilliant audience! Buh-Bye!


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